Hey, welcome to the One and All YouTube channel.

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We are in week two of our sermon series, How to Fix Your Marriage.

Don't let the title fool you.

This is for everyone, whether you're single or dating or barely engaged or just married, this message is for you.

If you wanna get the most out of this sermon, download our One and All app, and from there, go to our Sermon Notes tab to follow along.

Let's jump in.

Thank you.

I'm in Genesis chapter 29.

And before we move on, again, we're in this series called How to Fix Your Marriage.

And we've said from the get-go that every principle you learn concerning our love relationship with each other, comes ultimately from our love relationship with God.

So whether you're single, whether you're married, whether you're thinking about getting married, whether you've been divorced, and now you're thinking, okay, do I get married again?

No matter where you are in the spectrum of things, the reality is anytime you hear a series on marriage that is based in the word of God, it's going to give you principles of not only your relationships with each other, but obviously in your relationship with God, which is the ultimate relationship, the most important relationship of all.

So, it kind of concerns me when people see a series on marriage and they suddenly think, well, because I'm not married, I don't want to be married because I'm single.

This doesn't apply to me.

I promise you that if you'll go through this series, everything we talk about somehow applies not only to your relationships, not only in marriage, but just friendship, but also ultimately in your relationship with God.

Now, it's essential that we do not forget what we covered last week.

We said the greatest contributor to broken marriages can be summed up in two words, unrealistic expectations.

And I use the example because Robin will tell you, my wife, that she went into the marriage thinking she was marrying James Bond, but instead she got Johnny English.

And she's so right.

I was totally clueless, and most people are when they get married, unless they've done some serious homework.

The most damaging unrealistic expectation is when we look at our spouse to save us.

And we call that the romantic solution.

The belief that if we can just find that one true love, that all our feelings of insignificance, purposelessness, and meaninglessness will somehow dissipate.

So people have a very difficult childhood or a very difficult home life.

Maybe they suffered abuse growing up.

Maybe there was sibling abuse.

They had these feelings of nobodiness.

Maybe an overwhelming sense of failure.

They were neglected by their parents.

Maybe there was favoritism of a brother or sister over them.

And suddenly they look out into the world, and as they get older, they think, you know, if I can just escape this family, if I can escape these relationships and find my one true love or one true soulmate, then I'll never have any more problems.

That's called the romantic solution and it's disastrous.

Both Jacob and Leah employed the romantic solution to their lives.

Jacob believed that Rachel would be his savior.

Leah believed Jacob would be hers.

It's only Leah in the story that discovered that there's only one that's big enough to fill your heart and soul, and that's God.

And once she figured that out, then she could relate on a different level to her husband Jacob.

That's another story for another time.

But what we said ultimately is that you cannot be right.

with someone else until you are right with yourself.

And you cannot be right with yourself until you are right with God.

And then we finish that message with this overarching truth that if your marriage is in trouble, lean into God first and allow Him to change you before you begin to attempt to change someone else.

This is true of any relationship.

When you lean into Jesus, God will give you, through His Holy Spirit, the ability to see your spouse as God sees them, and also give you a glimpse into the realities of your own life.

And you'll find yourself giving a lot more grace to your spouse, and you'll find yourself working on you so that you might be better equipped in this marriage situation.

So there's more to talk about.

We'll cover that, as I said, in the messages to come.

But for right now, I want to take a pause for a second.

We're going to go back in time.

time, which is something we rarely do from the story.

We usually go forward.

We're going to go back in time now to a story that Jacob either did not know or intentionally ignored.

Because now we're going to go back to Jacob's father, who is Isaac, who's the son of Abraham and Sarah.

Remember Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

And let me read to you the text in Genesis chapter 24, a fantastic story when Abraham sets out to find a wife for his son, Isaac.

Okay, here we go.

Abraham, verse 1, was now very old.

The Lord had blessed him in every way.

He said to his senior servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, put your hand under my thigh.

Now let me just address that quickly.

This is symbolic of God's covenant.

Remember, God's promise to Abraham was that his seed would be as numerous as the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore.

and circumcision was the way you identified as part of God's covenant and his promise.

So when you placed your hand under another person's thigh, you were getting close to the promise and the covenant that God had made.

So in effect, you were saying, whatever I promise you, may it be as solid as the promise God has given us in the covenant.

That's a huge promise.

So Abraham said to his servant, Eleazar, put your hand under my thigh.

I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven.

and God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I'm living.

We'll talk about that in a moment.

Verse four, but we'll go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son, Isaac.

The servant asked him.

What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land?

Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?

Make sure that you do not take my son back there, Abraham said.

The Lord, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father's household in my native land and who spoke to me of the promise or promise me an oath saying to your offspring, I will give this land.

He will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife or my son from there.

Then the servant left, taking with him 10 of his master's camels loaded with all kinds of good things from his master.

He set out for Aram Naharim and made his way to the town of Nahor.

He had the camels kneeled down near the well outside the town.

It was toward evening, the time the women would go out to draw water.

So Then he prayed, Lord God of my master Abraham, make me successful today and show kindness to my master Abraham.

See, I am standing beside this spring and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water.

May it be that when I say to a young woman, please let down your jar that I may have a drink and she says, drink and I'll water your camels too.

Let her be the one that you've chosen for your servant Isaac.

By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.

Before he had finished praying, Rebecca came out with her jar on her shoulder.

She was the daughter of Bethuel, son of Milcah, who was the wife of Abraham's brother Nahor.

Verse 17.

The servant hurried to meet her and said, Please give me a little water from your jar.

Drink, my lord, she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink.

After she had given him a drink, she said, I'll draw water for your camels too, until they have had enough to drink.

So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough.

Ran back to the well to draw more water and drew enough for the camels.

Verse 21, without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lord had made his journey successful.

Then he asked, whose daughter are you?

Please tell me.

Is there room in your father's house for us to spend the night?

She answered him, I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son of Milcah, born to Nahor.

And she added, we have plenty of straw and fodder, as well as room for you to spend the night.

Then the man bowed down and worshiped the Lord, saying, praise be to the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master.

As for me, the Lord has led me on the journey to the house of my master's relatives.

I love that text, that narrative.

Young men, young women, I want you to notice something.

When Abraham wanted to find a wife for his son Isaac, he is very strategic.

First, Isaac was not the only one involved in the process.

This is absolutely pivotal.

A trusted servant and a praying father played a vital role in the selection of the bride.

Let me tell you something about this dude, Eleazar.

Eleazar is truly remarkable man and friend.

He is 85 years old, and his master Abraham is asking him to make a 450-mile expedition back into Mesopotamia.

And these are the days when, man, he's walking 450 miles just to go back to Abraham's home.

He makes the ultimate oath by touching the thigh.

And...

Eleazar had Isaac not found a wife or had Isaac never been born because you remember the miraculous circumstances around Isaac's birth that Abraham and Sarah were both old in age did not think they could have a child had they not had a child Eleazar would have inherited everything from Abraham and now here is Eleazar not only serving Abraham but is so invested in Abraham's success that he's willing now to do whatever it takes to serve his son, Isaac.

In verse 10, Eleazar wants to please his master so desperately that he gets on his knees and he prays to God.

He said, oh Lord, verse 12, the God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show loving kindness to my master Abraham.

So why do we need a father and a trusted servant?

Here's the answer.

When we began dating, typically we tend to get our hearts in such a deep flutter that our mind is not functioning anymore, especially guys who are completely sight-oriented.

When I think about this, I go back to my own life and I think, my goodness, my life could have turned out so differently.

I could have gone in a totally different direction.

Because as I have shared before, before I met my wife Robin, I was in a relationship with another girl for four years.

And during that time, all my friends, my pastor, my parents kept coming to me and saying, What are you doing?

This is not the girl God has for you.

But I was so overwhelmed with the externals, even though I knew she had no passion for God.

Now, she claimed to be a Christ follower, but you couldn't tell that in the way she lived her everyday life.

She had an extraordinary passion for money, for stuff.

That was the ultimate in her life, and I was getting sucked into the relationship quite quickly.

Even my secular friends on my basketball team came to me.

Now, these aren't God-fearers, but they knew that I was, and they said, Look, Vines, what are you doing, man?

God's hand is clearly on you.

It's not on us.

Why are you with this girl?

Why are you dating her?

And I got to tell you, I made every excuse in the book because I didn't want to end this relationship.

Even in my own family, my grandmother said that my grandma Bessie, who was, man, she was such a dedicated, committed follower to Jesus, and I've spoken about her in the past.

She basically said to me, Jeff, this girl's evil.

My grandpa even said, she'll suck the life right out of you.

My mother would just sit and cry.

but I ignored all of them.

And finally something happened that opened my eyes, at least started to, is my father came to me and said, Jeff, is this really what you want?

And then he asked me, have you prayed and asked God about this?

And the answer is no, because I knew what God would say.

I knew in my heart if I went to God, God would say no.

I was 18.

My brain was not fully developed.

My hormones were flying off the charts.

Is that an excuse?

Do you know how often a young man and a young woman between the age of 18 and 24 makes a decision that ruins the rest of their lives?

It's all too common.

In fact, in reading about this this past week, there's been an 82% increase in drunk driving fatalities among the age or under the age of 21.

Now in America, if there's a fatality in drunk driving, there's a good chance you're going to spend the rest of your life in prison.

So you think about that.

I make one decision.

I have far too many drinks.

I decide to drive and I'm not thinking clearly and I've ruined the rest of my life.

I want to stop here just a moment.

This is a crucial point to make.

You and I are saved by grace through faith.

I understand that.

We've been adopted into the family of God.

God is a loving, caring, giving Father.

However, He is also a Father who disciplines us.

Hebrews chapter 12, once again, verse 4 through 6.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

That's the struggle against sin.

That's how difficult it is.

And have you completely forgotten the word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son?

My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline.

Do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone who accepts him as son.

Now, some of you are thinking right now, wow, it feels like we've gone off the page.

The reason I'm choosing to talk about this now is because I have your attention.

In any arena of life where the Spirit convicts you, no matter what age, doesn't matter what age, if you're the age of accountability, and you ignore it, do you really think there will be no ramifications?

Of course there are.

And what's happening to so many Christ followers across the spectrum of age who claim to be Christ followers and who are telling me that sleeping with someone before you're married is a matter of personal choice?

Yeah, but it's a really bad one because God says no.

It's a violation of design and there are spiritual and emotional and physical ramifications that you cannot see.

So someone will say to me, show me in the Bible where it says I can't sleep with someone before I'm married to them.

Okay, well, let me just give you two of the 30 verses in the New Testament alone.

1 Corinthians 6.18, flee from sexual immorality.

All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against their own body.

You say, wait a minute, that doesn't mean anything about sex before marriage.

The word translated sexual immorality all through the New Testament is the word pornea.

And pornea refers to any sexual activity outside of heterosexual marriage between a man and a woman.

That's what sexual immorality means, unless you're married.

Any sex, any activity outside of a marriage between a man and a woman in the context of marriage is referred to as sexual immorality.

So people who have sex or sleep together before marriage are committing sexual immorality.

Ephesians chapter 5 verse 3, But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

So, porneia is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside of heterosexual marriage.

Now, why do you think that you can casually engage in an activity like this?

Now, look, I know people make mistakes.

I got it.

I know you're put in a situation at some point and you fail.

God's grace is larger than any of our sin, true.

However, when you have a cavalier attitude toward this and you think, well, I'm just going to live this way, God will forgive me in his grace, that's when you suffer the consequences.

Either you think you know better than God, or you don't think Jesus is worth knowing, following, or obeying, or you just don't care.

And if that's true, why would you think that you can dishonor God in your dating relationships and then call upon him in expectation that he would honor your marriage?

That's not the way it works.

Not the way it works.

And if you're in a relationship like this, I encourage you to repent, to stop, to go the other way, walk 180 degrees in the other direction and honor God beginning today that he may honor you in your marriage.

Now back to the story.

Abraham's employment.

of his trusted servant shows us that the first question every person should ask before they marry is a simple one.

Now you'll notice I've done a series similar to this a few years ago.

We had four, now we got five, and the wording's different because culture's different.

Question one is, does my spiritual mentor approve?

I used to say father or mother, but that's no longer good enough because we're now in a generation where many young people are following Jesus and their parents are not.

So, first of all, thank God if your parents are Christ followers.

My goodness, that blessing is immeasurable.

And if you have them, in heaven's name, listen to them.

I remember kneeling down in my daughter Sian's room from the time, basically, she was two or three years old, and every night I would come in until the time she graduated high school, and I would just get on my knees and pray.

My daughter would say, hey, dad, what are you doing?

I said, never mind, you just relax.

I'm praying for your future husband.

I've been praying for a long time.

Now I had to stop announcing that I was doing that because when I came to CCV, one and all, I've had young men come to me and say, hey, God sent me, he has answered your prayer for your daughter.

And I said, hold on a second, it doesn't work that way.

Ecclesiastes chapter four, verse nine says, two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.

How much better than a loving Christian parent?

Daughters, listen, especially when the second party is your father.

Now, it may be a spiritual mentor if your father or your mother are not believers, but still yet they have something to say.

We'll get to that.

But here's the reason you should listen to a Christian father, because he cares just as much about who you marry than you do.

If he's a believer, again, chances are high that he's been praying for the right guy for a long time.

And guys know guys.

We look for things.

Does he look me in the eye?

We have a built-in character discernment that God gave us.

Slothfulness and drivenness.

We have a detector.

We have a baggage detector.

And it's all God-given.

And some of you young girls may say, yeah, but Jeff, dads are old.

Well, that's my point exactly.

Job 12.12 says, is not wisdom found among the aged, the old?

Does not long life bring understanding?

So the point I'm making is that if you have a Christ follower in a mom and dad, Man, you are blessed.

Listen to your trusted advisor.

Everyone, all of us need accountability partners, spiritual mentors, growth groups, because they serve as objective insights.

All of us, and I go back to my day, we have blind spots that we can't see.

We need each other.

And these are not friends who attempt to control you.

They are friends who have your best interest in mind, who can help you look at things objectively.

So those seeking to marry, no matter what age, allow your parents to weigh in, not dictate, but to weigh in, especially if they love God, especially if your dad listens to God.

And it's so unwise to ignore a Christian dad or mom.

They're trying to save you.

So question one, do my parents or spiritual mentors approve?

Now here's the second question.

Is there spiritual compatibility?

Compatibility.

In chapter 24, verse 3.

I want you to swear by the Lord, says Abraham, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites.

Now, this isn't racism.

This is about spiritual compatibility because the Canaanites were not Yahweh worshipers.

In fact, they were horrific in their practices of sacrificing young children on the molten altars of Molech.

So Abraham says, make sure that you find someone who has the same love and passion for Yahweh that we do.

Verse 13, behold, here I stand by the well of water and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water.

Let it be that the young woman to whom I say, please let down your picture that I may drink.

And she says, drink.

And I will also give your camels a drink.

Let her be the one that you've appointed for your servant Isaac.

By this, I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.

Now here, why this scenario?

Hospitality was the highest value in the villages of Abraham's day.

Hospitality required giving water to a thirsty stranger, but not to the animals.

So a woman who would be willing to give water to both the stranger and the animals would be unusually kind and would have a keen understanding of the heart of God.

So, Eleazar is looking for someone who not only knows God, but who's been changed or transformed by God in her relationship with him.

Knowledge and transformation, not just knowledge.

Now, marrying someone whose heart does not belong to Jesus is like bungee jumping off the Victoria Falls Bridge.

You go back and forth as the rope catches and snatches back upward.

Back and forth.

The only difference is when you're married to someone who does not share your same passion for God, there's this overwhelming desire not to come back up to the platform.

Part of you wants to cut the rope, but you know you can't hang upside down forever, and you know you can't cut the rope because you can't swim with the hippos.

So you have to come back again and again.

You will be in a situation in your life where your heart is torn and there's no escape.

Do you want a person, listen young ladies, do you want a person to look into your heart and see the most important thing to you and not get it?

Now, I don't know, I'm trying to say this in the simplest way that I can, but I believe that Christians...

have the best intimacy on the planet with each other, husband and wife.

And the reason I believe that is because when you truly know the deepest part in each other and you share that passion, that that brings you closer and closer together in intimacy, true intimacy.

I'm not talking about sex.

I'm talking about intimacy that includes closeness and oneness in every aspect of marriage.

It impacts.

I don't think it's just a coincidence that the Bible's word, the Old Testament word, when a man and woman come together is called knowing.

The Bible says in Genesis chapter 4, verse 1, and Adam knew his wife Eve and she conceived.

This idea of knowledge, this idea of really understanding each other.

Intimacy is intensified by the knowledge of one another.

Intimacy stagnates by the lack of knowledge.

Complete intimacy.

corresponds to complete knowledge.

And guys who never figure this out will never experience the act of marriage in a way that it was meant to be experienced.

The quality of your intimate experiences corresponds to the depth at which you share your identity and know the identity of your spouse.

My wife Robin and I have almost nothing in common.

Seriously.

I'm an athlete, she is not.

She likes to stay inside, I like to be outside.

I mean, I could go on and on, but what matters most, we share the deepest.

That is our love for God, eternity, Christ, the Scriptures.

Those things drive us, and because of that, two people who have almost nothing in common have that primary act in common, that belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God, and through him we have a personal relationship, which is why we're able to stay married for 40 years.

In 2 Corinthians 6, verses 14 and 15, The New Living Translation puts it like this.

I like this translation.

It says, don't become partners with those who reject God.

How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong?

That's not partnership, that's war.

Is light best friends with dark?

Does Christ go strolling with the devil?

Do trust and mistrust hold hands?

That's a powerful translation.

The point is, God, when he gives us precepts, does not give them arbitrarily.

If you marry someone who does not get you and rolls their eyes at your commitment of faith, you're going to end up hiding the most passionate and precious part of your heart.

And that, as a result, he will never truly know you.

and you will never truly give yourself to him because there's a part of you he can't understand.

Sometimes a young girl will say, well, I'm going to date this guy, and I'm going to pray that God changes his heart.

Okay, fine.

Two pieces of advice.

Don't date him.

Just pray that God changes his heart, and if God changes his heart and he becomes a believer, you can start the dating process.

But don't engage in marriage.

Don't connect with someone whose heart does not yet belong to God.

I've talked to parents.

I've talked to women who've said to me, I'm angry at God because I married this man and asked God to change my husband's heart, and God didn't, as if God is to blame.

Remember, you can pray and God will move, but that decision ultimately lies with the human heart.

It's called free will.

And so God will orchestrate events around your husband to change him.

So if you're a husband and a wife, and maybe you both came together in this marriage and you weren't believers, but now one is a believer, you can pray that God will change his heart.

And I believe that God will release his divine energy to cause the eyes of your husband or wife to be open.

But ultimately they stop.

still have a choice to make.

And if they make the wrong one, and it's hardly God's fault, keep praying and keep hoping.

But there's something else about this.

I use the story often about a famous person in New Zealand, I'm not going to use the name this time, who asked me to perform the wedding ceremony between she and her husband.

And I said, sure, is he a believer?

She said, oh yeah, he's a Christian.

So I took her husband to be out for a coffee.

And I realized very quickly in the conversation, not only was he not a Christian, he was an atheist, didn't even believe in God.

And I went back to this lady and I said, do you understand what you're doing?

This man is going to raise your children.

This man, do you think this man is going to have devotions and read scripture and pray with your child?

Will he talk about the things of God as he rises in the morning, as he walks along the path, and before he puts the children to bed at night?

Social studies have yielded the undeniable evidence that the most formative years of a child's life are the early years.

The early years serve as the foundation upon which the child will respond to everything in adulthood.

And if he or she learns that God is real and actively involved in their lives, that child will seek, pursue, and experience God.

However, if there is apathy toward God by even one of the influencers, that influencer will stifle such pursuit.

Psalm 1, 1 through 3 says, blessed is the man whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.

He shall be a tree planted by rivers of water that brings forth its fruit in season, whose leaf shall not wither, and whatever he does shall prosper.

And the question I like to ask future moms and dads, do you want your child to truly prosper in mind, body, and soul?

Yes.

Then my goodness, why would you consider marrying someone who does not have the passion, who does not have a passion for the word of God, the precepts of God in a relationship with Christ?

Wake up, man.

This lady is going to be the mother of your children.

This man will be the father of your family.

Is he praying with you now?

Does she have a passion for the Word of God now?

What is their primary passion of their heart now?

What does he or she talk about now?

Do they live their lives for a purpose greater than themselves now?

So that the bottom line is, will your spouse teach your children the law of the Lord because they meditate on it day and night?

Is that the posture of their lives?

Question three, will his or her parents encourage or discourage the direction we want to take our family?

That's right.

You know, the in-laws actually matter.

I go back and I say, you know, I look back now and I often ask Robin this, why on earth did you marry me?

Was it love?

Was it pity love?

Was it rescue love?

What was it?

And of course, most of you know her response because I'm one year younger than her.

She quotes Proverbs 22.6, train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Well, I think God put us together, but I can tell you this, not only for us to iron sharpening iron.

and because we had the same goals and objectives in mind.

But I truly believe God put me together with Robin because of her parents.

Her father changed me, no doubt about that.

Over the course of my life, he's kind of been a mentor, either by example or in word.

He has shown me what it is to be patient and to show mercy.

Oftentimes I've wanted to make a quick, rash decision, and He has cautioned me to stop, to make sure I never burn bridges, to always give grace and mercy, and to possess the greatest hope for reconciliation in all relationships.

And then to watch Him as a man of God, read the Scripture, to His...

to his children, who are now adults, to pray around the table when I was dating my wife with the words he would use in his prayer, all of those things.

I noticed over time, because of this powerful influence, that I started to become more and more like my father-in-law and less and less like myself, which needed to happen.

Unfortunately, alternatively, here is what typically happens when a Christ follower marries a non-Christ follower.

As you move toward God, you don't pull the other person with you.

That's the misnomer.

You think as you grow in your relationship with Christ, you'll pull the unbelieving spouse with you.

That is not what happens.

What happens is the deeper, more intimate you grow in your relationship with Christ, the farther away you grow from your husband.

or your wife.

Now that's typical.

I wish I could tell you that it's different.

In a dream world, it would be.

But think about it.

Isn't it true that the more like Jesus you become, the less like yourself?

The more like Jesus, the less like anyone who's in the vortex of the world.

The more in love with God, the less in love with the pursuits of the world.

The more you worship God, the less you worship lesser things.

The closer you become to God, the farther away, in some respects, you move from those who are far from God.

Subtitles by the Amara.org community And the same is true for your in-laws.

The in-laws do matter.

You do know they're going to be grandparents someday, and they're going to have a powerful sway over your children.

In verse 23 of Genesis chapter 24, then he asked, whose daughter are you?

Please tell me, is there room in your father's house for us to spend the night?

And she said, I'm the daughter of Bethuel, the son of Milcah, born of Nahor.

And she added, we have plenty of straw and fodder, as well as room for you to spend the night.

Then the men bowed down and worshiped the Lord, saying, Praise be to the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master.

Do you realize what he's doing?

He's saying, what is the name of your family?

Who are they?

And the reason is because, folks, you not only marry a spouse, you marry into a family.

Your in-laws become grandparents.

Jeff, are you saying that if the in-laws are difficult, that I should not marry this man or this woman?

That's not what I'm saying, because if that were the case, a lot of people would not be married.

I'm simply saying, you got to go into this with eyes wide open.

And you got to decide together who you're going to allow to have influence over your children.

And just because somebody's an in-law doesn't mean they get to have influence.

They can have relationship, but not influence.

Let me give you an example.

I just talked to a person not too long ago who wants to have a relationship with his mother, but his mother constantly berates his wife.

So the mother-in-law constantly berates the daughter-in-law.

I told the husband, you have a sovereign right.

You have an incredible responsibility to protect your wife from that kind of an abuse.

So it is important to look into the in-laws relationship and what you think that's going to be like down the road.

And especially if you've got in-laws that are unbelievers, remember, they're going to have, they're going to have quite impact on your children.

You've got to make sure you draw the line wherever that is.

Don't deny them relationship.

I think that would be ungodly depending on who they are, but you've got to set parameters and you've got to make that clear.

Grandparents, in-laws are very important influencers.

Question four, am I ready to get married?

There must be a readiness.

Now listen carefully, we got two left and these are important.

Just as it is unwise for the son or daughter to completely disregard the advice of the parent, it is equally unwise for the parent to force his or her will on the son or daughter.

Do not insist upon something that the child does not desire.

Now just a quick disclaimer.

just because the guy is a Christian, that is not enough.

Again, I don't know how to say this, but, you know, oddness is no respecter of persons.

I know a lot of Christian men who are just odd.

And I know a lot of non-Christian men who are odd.

So just because, and just have a lot of baggage, and just because a man or a woman claims to be a Christ follower doesn't mean they're the perfect match for your son or daughter.

In the story, Rebekah, notice, is not forced.

This is amazing.

Even after Abraham's servant tells of the seemingly miraculous divine intervention into this situation, Rebekah still has a choice to make.

Everything happens according to Eleazar's request.

He meets Laban, Rebekah's brother.

Remember, we met him last week.

And Laban invites him to stay at Bethuel's, Rebekah's father's house.

Eleazar explains the...

Entire situation to Bethuel.

Abraham sent me.

Wow, the patriarch.

I made an oath to find a wife for Isaac.

I prayed that God would show me the woman.

God showed me Rebekah.

I said, let her fill the water jar and give me drinking and feed the animals as well.

Everything I asked God to do happened.

This is not coincidence.

This is the divine intervention of God himself.

Bethuel agrees with everything he said and still, verse 57, then they said, let's call the young woman and ask her about it.

So they called Rebecca and asked her, will you go with this man?

She could have still said no, but she said, I will go.

There must be a readiness.

Now, if I were a young man, some of you might be tempted to stand at the door on a weekend of your respective campuses and say, God, I'm going to stand here at the door.

And the next girl that comes through this door that smiles at me and then ask me to sit next to her during the service, which I know would be a miracle in and of itself.

May that be the one that you've chosen.

Even if all those things were true, even if all of that lined up, there still has to be a readiness.

Well, Pastor Jeff, how do I know that I'm ready?

Great question.

Four questions to ask quickly.

Number one, how old am I?

The divorce rate for those who get married at or below the age of 22 is twice as high as the divorce rate for those married at the age of 24 and above.

What?

You double the odds of having a successful marriage if you wait until you're 24 years old.

Why?

Well, they tell us that our brain is not fully developed yet until 24.

Our emotions and hormones have not yet completely settled down.

Your heart flutters no longer control you at 24 years of age.

They're influential, but they don't control you.

And you are less willing to sacrifice your future for the pleasure of the present when you're 24 years old.

Second question, am I running from something?

This goes back to last week's message.

Are you trying to get out from under your parents'authority?

Are you in an unhealthy home?

Are you lonely and think this will solve your problems?

Do you want to get away from your brothers and sisters, your siblings, or the rules of your parents?

Am I running from something?

Three, am I looking for a Savior?

Are you saying if I can only meet my soulmate and the one, then all these problems will go away?

Can I just tell you that marriage is filled with so many good things?

That's true.

It's also filled with dirty dishes, bounced checks, financial crises, communication glitches, career struggles, time pressures, mortgage payments, and all of that is B.C.

before children.

Then it's poopy diapers and waking babies and little to no sleep and screaming children.

It means an advance of his waistline, a retreat of his hairline.

She introduces the mother-in-law and the skin under her arms starts to get all loose and flabby.

No spouse can be expected to save you from all your issues.

Those kinds of expectations lead to disaster.

For every problem marriage solves, it creates another one.

Four, how long have I been dating this person?

Let's say that you're going to buy an airplane.

What are you going to want to see?

If you're going to buy an airplane, you want to look at the log books, the flight history, the engine inspection records.

Where has it been?

How did it respond to difficult weather?

How does it hold together when struck by lightning?

How does it do when it's flying through volcanic ash?

When a bird hits the engine during takeoff, how does it respond?

The truth is the aesthetics matter, but it's not as important as getting the job done.

Take off and landing safely, navigating storms successfully.

It takes a hit and keeps on ticking.

The point is where people are concerned, you can't know that in two weeks.

People sometimes come and tell me, you know, Pastor Jeff, I heard what you said, but I know a couple, I can tell you about a couple who got married after knowing each other only two weeks and they're still in love 50 years later.

My response is always the same.

You know what?

People go over Niagara Falls in a barrel and sometimes survive.

That does not mean it is a good choice as a means of transportation.

Kansas State University did extensive research in this area and found that there is a direct correlation between the length of time a couple spends dating and the level of marital duration and satisfaction.

Shorter term courtships, they say, are correlated directly to a higher level of marital breakup.

Why is it that you double the odds of successful marriage if you wait until you're 24?

Because the plane has a few miles on it now.

The plane has learned to deal with conflict without crashing and burning.

And if you spend enough time with that plane, you learn the answers to valuable questions.

Like how does he handle conflict?

What's her personality?

What are their love languages?

Are they unpredictable?

Automatic rejection points, ladies, okay?

Automatic rejection points.

Conflict resolution is anger and yelling.

Run.

When tension comes, they threaten you.

Run.

He's hitting you.

Run fast.

He is verbally abusive.

Run.

He calls you all hours of the day not to say I love you, but to ask where you are and when you're coming home.

When are you coming home?

Why are you doing this to me?

You don't love me.

And of course, my favorite one, if you really love me, you would sleep with me.

This is called manipulation and insecurity.

You can't save him.

Run as fast as you can.

Listen, what happens when somebody's drowning and you try to save them?

Ask any lifeguard.

They fight you.

They actually try to pull you under.

They latch on and they won't let go until it's over.

And a lifeguard will tell you if that happens, you either have to stay away and let them come to the end of themselves where they're so tired, or you have to hit them in the head and knock them out.

Sometimes you have to let the world knock them out before they're ready for marriage.

And that takes time.

Quickly, does your spiritual mentor approve?

Is there spiritual compatibility?

Will his or her parents encourage or discourage the direction you want to take the family?

Are you ready to get married?

Fifth and finally, and I can't believe we don't talk about this more often than not.

Last and last, am I physically attracted to this person?

Am I physically attractive?

One of my favorite poems that I read years ago goes like this.

Jim's girl, it's called Jim's girl.

Jim's girl is rich and haughty.

My girl is poor as clay.

Jim's girl is young and pretty.

My girl looks like a bell of hay.

Jim's girl is smart and clever.

My girl is dumb but good.

But would I trade my girl for Jim's?

You bet your life I would.

Now you think about that.

If that's the way Jim feels, why is he with her in the first place?

Hear me when I say, while you can't place looks at the top of the list, don't be over spiritual and ignore physical attraction.

I'm saying, yep, there should be sparks.

Do not settle.

Do not be an idiot and value looks too highly, but don't be a moron and place no value on them whatsoever.

There should be romance.

Romance and physical attraction is not anti-godly.

do not marry a Christian that you're not attracted to just because they're a Christian, and do not marry a non-Christian that you're absolutely infatuated with.

So there we go, the five questions to ask.

Now, let me end like this.

Fathers, one day, and you notice I focus a lot on the young women.

I think that...

Marriage is such an important part to life and culture.

I mean, when marriages and families disintegrate, the next move is culture begins to disintegrate.

And I do believe that there is a sixth sense that God gives women, that there is an intuition that they have.

And after being married to one for almost 40 years, I can tell you...

that there's, it's not saying that a man or woman is better than the other, that the Bible is clear that we are created, we are equal in essence before God, and we are created both in his image, but we each have strengths and weaknesses, and that's why there's a real...

helper idea in both when a husband and wife come together.

I do believe there is a, that we do compliment each other in special ways.

I do believe that we are enough in and of ourselves, yes, but I also believe that God puts us together with someone that can speak into our lives where iron will sharpen iron.

And I think that's the primary purpose of marriage is to conform all of us to the image of Christ.

And no one can do that better outside the Holy Spirit than a husband or a wife.

So dads, one day, your little girl's going to come to you and your little girl's going to ask you, how do you know when he's the one?

How do I know, dad?

And I don't want you to say, well, you just know.

So I've written something here.

This is what I believe we should say to our daughters.

And I'm going to close with this.

And I'll send this to anybody you requested on email.

Maybe you can read it to your daughter one day.

Here's what I would say if I had it to do over again.

I would say to my daughter, Sian, you must know your values, dreams, and goals.

You must form laser-like clarity concerning the type of person you want to marry who will come alongside you and help you to achieve those values, dreams, and goals.

You must know the kind of temperament and personality that will harmonize well with your needs and desires.

You must decide long beforehand your list of non-negotiables.

And most importantly, you must pray, beginning now, that God will give you the gift of discernment and will prevent you from falling into the trap of emotional decisions void of logic and reality.

Yes, emotion will play an important role, but emotions must be tempered with wisdom from those you trust.

How will you know?

this is one of the great challenges that human beings face.

So you must start getting ready right now.

Father, we know that choosing to marry someone outside of our receiving of the grace of God through the cross of Jesus is the most important decision we'll make in our lifetime.

I pray that through this Old Testament narrative, perhaps our eyes would be open to those things that are important.

Things like the approval of a spiritual mentor, spiritual compatibility, the extended family.

Are we ready and mature enough to be married?

What changes do we even need to make if not?

And that there must be a physical attraction.

Something that makes our heart flutter but does not determine the final decision.

So Father, I pray for every young girl and every young man that they would take these principles to heart and that these truths found in the Old Testament would govern the way they approach marriage for the sake of the rest of their lives, for the sake of culture, for the sake of our world.

In Christ's name, amen.

We hope you were encouraged by this week's sermon.

If you want to know more about One and All or just want to know more about being a Christ follower, would you go to oneandall.church slash new and just fill up some information there and we'll reach out to you.

I want to encourage you as well.

This weekend we did communion and wherever you're at, if you have the ability to grab a drink and some bread and just take some time right now just to remember what Christ did for us.

and to reflect on the work of Jesus and what he did on the cross.

We hope you have a blessed week.

With that, one hope, one life in Christ.