Hey, welcome to One and All.

We're so glad that you joined us for today's message.

We are starting our new series, Raising Faith.

Pastor Jeff is going to talk all about parenting and what it looks like to do so the way God wants us to parent.

So I want to encourage you to get out your notes, get out your Bible.

And if you want to follow along on our One and All app, we have a sermon notes tab just for you.

Let's get into it.

Hello, I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm in Ephesians chapter 6, verse 1 through 4.

I'm going to read that momentarily.

And this may seem a strange way to begin a series on parenting.

In fact, we're calling the series Raising Faith because the end goal or objective of a Christ follower is that ultimately their children may grow up in the fear of the Lord, that they may know who God is through a personal relationship of Christ.

So we've called this Raising Faith.

But that includes a lot of things that the parent...

Biblically, concerning the Bible record, it concerns a lot of things the parent needs to completely and fully understand.

Now, let me just say from the get-go that there is no such thing as a perfect parent in the same way there's no such thing as a perfect child.

But parenthood is one of the most important functions or roles or places of authority in culture.

Because historically, we've learned that society itself begins to destruct.

when the family unit is broken, and when there are poor relationships, when there's estrangement between the mother, the father, and the children.

So just keep all that in mind.

And this might be an interesting way to start the series.

But the first question I want to ask is, as you look around culture today, especially in the West, especially in America, has lawlessness, again, this is an interesting way to start, has lawlessness increased?

or decreased in the last few decades?

Are we better or worse when it comes to our society?

And, you know, everything you're going to read right now is going to tell you that we are less intelligent right now in this generation.

Corporations constantly complain that their employees are unable to do basic math in their heads, basic thought, basic...

It's almost like they've been told certain things to think without coming to the conclusion or taught how to think and how to arrive at those conclusions.

Are we more or less emotionally and mentally stable?

Well, everything you read will tell you there's an epidemic of depression, anxiety, and other issues of mental health.

In California alone, where I happen to minister, violent crimes has increased to 500 per 100,000. Now I had to look at that quite a few times.

500 per 100,000.

That means that one out of every 200 people who live in the state of California are going to experience a violent crime.

That's remarkable.

And of course, the reason is because of an ineffective justice system.

There's no deterrence.

Think about it.

One in 200, not just criminal activity, but violent criminal activity.

Punishment, we're told now in our society, or discipline, does not deter crime.

And when I see that, it's so frustrating because it's misleading.

I guarantee you that the majority of people would engage in more criminal behavior if there weren't significant deterrents.

Think about it, would you not speed more if you knew that there was no penalty for speeding?

Would you not steal more?

I'm not saying you'd go in and rob a bank, but would you not take perhaps what doesn't belong to you if you thought or if you knew there was no penalty to that kind of behavior?

Of course you would, because rationalizing is a human gift.

You'll always rationalize where you're doing what you're doing for your own benefit.

What it should say in the articles, the things that we do know, is that punishment does not deter re-offending.

So if I'm an offender and I've committed a crime...

Deterrence, present punishment, does not deter future offending.

And of course it doesn't, again, because the punishment in the American society is not severe enough.

There is no real price to pay for law breaking.

There's no real fear of consequences.

Now let me, I know it's an interesting way to start, but As parents who are following Jesus, there's something we need to desperately know as we approach parenthood, and that's this.

Jesus'worldview is that love and judgment, or love and discipline, or love and correction are not mutually exclusive.

The most simple example that I give of this, and I'll expand it a little bit.

is that if I tell my children not to play in the middle of the street, I don't do it because I'm punishing them or restricting them.

I'm doing it because I want to save them.

I want to protect them from harm.

Now, if my children decide to disobey and play in the middle of the street, then there's got to be some form of deterrence that encourages them not to violate that law again.

And if, for instance, if my son does something that I tell him not to do, and let's say I say, okay, go to your room, you're grounded for a week, you can't go out into the community, or whatever form discipline takes, I don't do it because I hate my child.

I do it ultimately because I love my child.

I am not apathetic toward the well-being of my children.

In the Christian scheme of things, love and judgment, love and discipline are not mutually exclusive.

They have their two sides of the same coin.

The problem is you and I live today in what is called secular humanism and secular humanism would tell you, oh no, all you have to do is teach a person what is right and ultimately they will do it.

Well, the Christian worldview says you're living in a dream world.

In fact, this is the starting point, the foundation for this entire series.

The secular worldview says that man is basically good.

Teach him the right path and he will most likely choose to go that direction.

And the key words associated with this type of thought are the words rehabilitate and reprogram.

Now, you need to understand that view dominates much of the philosophy of a secular worldview.

But it is not the philosophy of Jesus.

Jesus'worldview says that the heart of man is wicked, that he has a disposition toward doing the wrong thing, he is self-serving, self-aggrandizing, and selfish.

Now that's pretty harsh.

But the question is, is it true?

In fact, Jesus would assume the heart of every child is not bent toward righteousness.

Jeremiah 17, 9.

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.

Who can know it?

Mark 7, verse 21, 23.

For from within, out of the heart of men proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lavishness, an evil eye, blasphemy.

Pride, foolishness, all these evil things come from within, within the inside the heart and defile the man.

Unfortunately, most young parents today are reading books on parenthood that have a faulty starting point.

The faulty starting point is this.

Your child is basically good and will always act accordingly when he or she truly understands what is right and what is wrong.

Therefore, no discipline is required because discipline ultimately represses.

Now, let's define what we mean by discipline.

Discipline is defined as the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior using punishment or corrective disobedience.

Sorry, let me say that again.

The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior using punishment to correct disobedience.

Is there such a thing as wrong discipline?

Well, of course there is.

When I was in second grade, we had a teacher.

Miss Treadway, beautiful teacher.

But the parents of the students in the class that I attended were frustrated with their children not doing their homework, so they gave permission to the teacher to enact a type of corporal punishment, we're talking about back in the 70s, if the children didn't do their homework.

Well, the problem is, I did my homework, so I was part of that class, and so she lumped all of us together so that we all paid the penalty.

for the willingness or unwillingness of the entire class to do their homework.

Well, this caused me not to want to go to school.

And I was a good student, and I loved going to school because it's where I got to play on the sports field with my friends.

But this caused me not to want to go to school and to lie to my parents and tell them that I wasn't feeling well so I didn't go have to face the music.

So that is what we call bad discipline.

The opposite of wrong discipline, however, is not the absence of discipline, but right discipline.

And a parent may say, well, Well, how do we know what that is?

Okay, that's the beauty of all this.

What we're simply saying is you and I have grown up in a society, we're in a society right now that is anti anything to do with discipline, anything to do with correction, and we were told if we do that, we will repress the true personality and nature of the child.

Jesus comes along and he tells us that the heart of man is wicked.

All of our hearts are bent toward doing the wrong thing, and we're going to need some things in order to save the child, to point the child in the right direction, so that the children can grow up in a healthy environment and move out into their world effectively.

So in this one little verse, Paul gives a lot of information.

Let me read verses 1 through 4 of Ephesians 6.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Honor your father and mother, this is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

So we've just read the Bible.

Now I've already said that there's going to be the world's way of doing things.

And the Bible tells us that the wisdom of the world or the wisdom of God is foolishness to man.

And we're told that part of that in the Christian worldview is that we would engage in three things and I'll get to those in a moment.

But Paul's assumption when he writes this is that parents stand in the gap between children and God.

That the child is not old enough to have a full and mature relationship with God so parents serve as God's proxy.

So the attitude then behind obeying your parents is honor, tamao is the Greek word, to respect and hold your parents in high regard so that when the child disrespects his or her parents, he, she, in fact, is dishonoring God.

Moreover, if you know anything about the Old Testament, under the law of Moses, there were serious repercussions of dishonoring one's parents.

But why?

We never asked that question.

And the answer was for the sake of society.

Let me quote to you a recent study.

We'll get to this in a moment, but let me preempt this study just a little bit.

Here's the quote.

A person who grows up with a sense of respect for and obedience to his parents will have the foundation for respecting the authority of other leaders and the rights of people in general.

So when parents stop teaching and nourishing their children, and children stop obeying and honoring their parents, society, we're told, self-destructs.

Now, again, quickly, as you look at society today, are we self-destructing?

The answer, of course we are.

Do you know that every year in America, there are 9 million, 9 million serious assaults by children onto their parents?

More and more children are being convicted for murdering their parents for no other reason than to oppress parental control, for money, for freedom, for autonomy.

The article goes on to say at a Harvard study, when society tells our children that they can have or do whatever they want without restrictions, historically, those children will soon begin mocking their parents, teachers, moral standards, and society in general.

A generation of undisciplined, disobedient children will produce a society, says the study, that is chaotic and destructive.

Now, compare that with Proverbs 29, 15.

If a child is corrected, disciplined, they become wise.

But a child who is not corrected brings shame to their mother.

Isn't that interesting?

If you think about it, have you ever been in a grocery store or public place where the child is just throwing a temper tantrum, throwing things at his mother, trying to hit his mother, and it just kind of disrupts everything.

Everybody kind of stops and stares at how aggressive and how undisciplined this child is.

But the reality is, when you look at a situation like this, who should feel ashamed, the child or the parent?

Seldom do we look at the child as the problem.

We know that something's happening or not happening at home, and the Bible tells us that brings shame.

because that tells us there's no discipline, there's no correction, there's no significant deterrence at home.

Now, before we go to the remedy, let's remember what we've stated probably three or four times already, and that was the whole purpose of the introduction of this sermon and the foundation upon which we will build everything else.

Most of the child-rearing books of our time begin with a faulty assumption.

the secular humanist worldview that man is basically good, so if you show your child what is right, he or she is sure to follow.

The Christian worldview says that a child's most dominant attitude is selfishness.

His interest is totally self-centered.

His own wants and needs are all he knows and all he cares about.

Now, you Even most of the books today that claim to come from a Christian perspective have been infiltrated primarily by secular humanism.

It's just the way of culture in the present time.

what we want to do as Christ followers is kind of throw that to the side and that's what I'm gonna ask you to do just throw everything out because let me tell you something else about parenting typically you will go try to find a book that tells you what you want to hear because your parenting skills either are a result of how you were parented or a result of doing the opposite of how you were parented because you didn't like it so what happens is typically we go to find resources or books that agree with us it's just human nature So when we come to something that's so important, what we're going to do in this series is try to encourage one another to cast that aside and say, okay, according to the Bible, what am I supposed to do as a parent?

And this is the beginning right here.

I'm going to take you to a small passage of scripture that is filled.

It's a treasure just from the get-go.

It shows us once again, the Bible truly does know about life.

Okay, so the Bible says this, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

The way this passage is put together in the original language, first of all, fathers is pateris.

By the way, that's a reference to both parents.

Now, fathers might be the context, but this could be fathers, mothers, and this is the negative side.

Here's what you don't do.

Do not provoke.

The word, the Greek word is paro-zio, or zidzo, which means exasperate, frustrate, irritate, anger, but that's still not enough.

What does that mean?

How does one provoke your children to anger, frustration?

And basically, believe it or not, there is a relationship between provocation, the exasperation, with anger and with...

Raising the children and discipline and instruction.

So kind of hidden in this text is the idea that the thing that most frustrates a child is when right and wrong are unclear and when discipline is inconsistent.

When right and wrong are unclear and discipline is inconsistent.

So we're told, rather than exasperating our children and provoking them to anger, mature them how?

In discipline, this is padilla, and this is the word for systematic training.

It's correction.

Again, involved in all of these words is the assumption that if you have systematic training, and in that systematic training, there's a violation.

A correction for the wrongdoing is always assumed.

You know, a good example is in Hebrews 12, we're told that for those God loves, God corrects, God disciplines, God rebukes.

and instruction.

These two words go together in the sense that this is the systematic training of discipline, and it includes correction when the child goes the wrong way, and then instruction, nuthsia, great word.

It's a reference to putting into the child's mind, verbal teaching.

It's based on Deuteronomy 6, where as you rise in the morning, as you go to bed at night, as you walk along the path, you're always putting into the mind of the child.

What is right and wrong, not based on culture, but based on the Word of God, instruction of the Lord, Christ worldview versus the secular worldview.

So that's the general overview.

Now, the question then becomes, If it's provocation, if we don't want to provoke our children, if we don't want to frustrate them, exasperate them, and instead we want to bring them up in discipline and instruction of the Lord, then the big question is how does one provoke or exasperate the child?

Alright, so the research I'm going to give you...

It comes out of two things.

First, the Old Testament, a lot of the Old Testament precepts that God gave parents.

But two, also, I'm trying to harmonize those with what we know with certainty about children in our own culture who have been raised a certain way and the outcome.

So the advantage of 2024 is that this research started around the 1960s and 70s.

So now there's been enough time to develop to show how certain approaches to parenthood.

affect and impact the child so here's what we know and this is the gut of the sermon here stay with me number one a child is exasperated when there are no clear boundaries this breeds insecurity believe it or not we know that kids want to know hey who's in charge here and if it's not clear who's in charge then they will try to fill the gap what's interesting is they don't really want to because they know deep inside they don't know how to And research tells us that a child, when there are no clear boundaries or when those boundaries are inconsistent, so they do something that you say is wrong on Tuesday, but they do it again on Friday and they get away with it.

There's no clear boundary.

It frustrates.

It actually breeds insecurity in the child and a lack of trust and confidence in their environment and in their surroundings.

Now, let me give you a humorous little illustration here.

First time I went to Nairobi, Kenya.

I grew up, spent a lot of time in Zimbabwe, but Nairobi is a different experience because no one obeys the traffic laws.

I mean, India is bad, but at least in India when they pass and go around each other in speed, they still kind of stay in their own lane or if they venture out, they'll eventually come back in.

Not so in Nairobi.

Every day at 5 o'clock, Nairobi locks up traffic.

And the reason is nobody obeys the rules.

No stop signs, no stop lights.

And they drive on whatever side of the road they want to.

So eventually when you have enough cars, you've got cars on both sides and no one can go anywhere.

This was so intimidating and frustrating for me that I got out of the car, which was stupid, and I started trying to direct traffic.

Now it worked.

It took me a while.

But I said, okay, you guys go there.

It's just part of my personality.

However.

From then on, I didn't want to drive in Nairobi because I was terrified.

I knew I wasn't qualified to do this, and it created incredible tension.

What we are learning about children who are raised in homes where there are no clear boundaries, they develop this type of fear and trepidation.

They become insecure and they feel unprotected.

Number two, a child is exasperated when discipline is inconsistent.

Now, these two go together.

In other words, laziness on the parent's part breeds frustration.

The National Library of Medicine published a study recently.

And it said, inconsistent parenting is linked with children's conduct problems.

Now, this is not the Bible, although the Bible would agree.

Sorry, the Bible would agree, but this is from a recent study, okay?

And here's the quotation.

A home observational study showed that mothers of conduct problem preschoolers acted inconsistently in disciplinary conflicts.

Now, what are they talking about?

Well, we're talking about a parent whose yes is not yes and whose no is not no.

So we've all seen this.

The parent says to the child, you have to eat what's on your plate before you get dessert.

But the child doesn't, and the parent gives in.

You have to take a nap before you can go to your friend's house to play.

Child refuses to take a nap, kicks and screams, gets what they want.

The parent is inconsistent.

You have to do your homework before you can play outside.

That's the rule that's set down.

The child knows though if he screams or she screams and throws a temper tantrum that somehow they can manipulate the parents and ultimately get what they want.

The effects of inconsistent parenting, says the article, means your child will grow up with a lack of security because they believe they're in charge.

And deep inside, they don't trust themselves.

And two, they end up developing attachment issues.

They find it difficult to see the parent as a reliable source of comfort because of the parent's unpredictability.

Third, they develop habits of manipulation and coercion and struggle to find meaningful relationships because the habit that they've learned is if I kick and scream, I get what I want.

So they think they can do the same thing with other people.

And if you do that with other people, you'll be ostracized and you'll have trouble developing meaningful friendships.

And ultimately the article says they create that is inconsistent parenting creates a conflict between husband and wife.

So, when I was parenting, Robin and I were parenting Sian, and Delaney's Sian was clever.

She also had a bent toward unrighteousness, because if her mother told her to do something that she didn't want to do, she would come to me and ask me, not telling me she had talked with her mother.

Imagine a child doing that.

And then Robin and I would engage in a verbal conversation about what is appropriate in front of the children.

We learned very quickly that is a mistake, because then they knew how to work us against each other.

And that, in turn, creates more tension, instability, and insecurity, and a lack of trust in the family unit from the children.

Alternatively, the article says when parenting and discipline are consistent, listen to this, when there is consistency in the parents'actions and responses, the toddler behaves better.

Consistent parenting also helps toddlers develop emotional security and trust.

which also lessens, ultimately, misbehavior.

Bottom line, inconsistent discipline frustrates and exasperates the child.

Your children need to know, parents, that you are a truth teller, that you mean what you say, that you are the authority.

I got to tell you, one of the problems I see in the next generation, I guess the best way to describe it, the movie Toy Story, you know, one of the greatest songs, I think, comes from Randy Newman, great songwriter, but it's when you hear this music, you've got a friend in me.

And the lyrics are great.

I encourage you to go read them.

You've got a friend in me.

I'm always going to be with you.

I'm your friend.

I'm your friend.

But the reality is parents today are trying to be a friend to their children without being the authority.

kids do need a friend.

So it's not one or the other, it's both and.

But in order to create a sense of stability and trust and emotional health, as we'll see in a minute, the children have got to know there is authority in the home.

And that authority is also their friend, but make no mistake, there are ramifications to disobedience.

All right.

The secret, by the way, my mother, I remember growing up and my mother, she would do this whole thing about counting to three.

I don't know if the mothers still do that, but mom would say, Jeffrey Allen Vines, I want you to get over here right now.

And if you're not here by the time I count to three, and I knew what the repercussions were, and my mother would go one, two.

Can I tell you something?

She never made it to three because we knew that if she got to three, It was the end.

Now, what I see happening today, part of that is because we respected our mother and we respected her word.

Part of what I see today is quite humorous.

I'll see parents go, one, two, two and a quarter, two and a half, two and three.

I'm serious.

You better come over here.

I'm almost there.

Let me translate, according to this study, what children hear when you do that.

What they hear is, one, two, I really don't want to hold you accountable.

Two and a half, I really don't want to discipline you.

Two and three quarters, I'm begging you to obey me, but even if you don't, it's no big deal.

This is all part of consistent and inconsistent parenting.

The secret we're told, and we've known this in scripture for a long, long time, is to balance love and discipline.

In other words, love says, I love you even when you disobey.

It's not going to stop me loving you.

You're in my family.

You're my son.

You're my daughter.

I will always love you and will always provide for you.

However, when you violate the parameters that have been established, there will always be ramification.

The article says, this parenting style results in children who are confident, responsible, and able to self-regulate.

They can manage negative emotions more effectively, resulting in better social outcomes and emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health.

These children also have a higher sense of self-esteem, which can also result in higher levels of academic performance.

The parent who balances love and discipline is consistent in their discipline, holds the child accountable, and sees discipline in harmony with love.

This is fantastic.

There is a way to do it.

There's a way not to exasperate the child.

It has a lot to do with the balance between love and discipline.

Not discipline without love, but not love without discipline.

Number three, a child is exasperated when the parents engage in overprotection.

Well-meaning overprotection is a common cause of resentment in children.

Parents who smother their children, overly restrict where they can go and what they can do, never trust them to do things on their own, and continually question their judgment, build a barrier between themselves and their children, usually under the delusion under the delusion that they are building a closer relationship.

Children need careful guidance and certain restrictions, but they are individual human beings in their own right and must learn to make decisions on their own, commiserate with their age and maturity.

Their wills can be guided but not controlled.

Now, what's he saying?

He's saying as the child gets older, if you are overprotective, you will stifle their maturity and growth and then create what you had done such a good job in the toddler years of making sure it didn't happen.

You'll create that kind of atmosphere where there is fear, where there's instability, and where there's a sense of frustration.

Now, this speaks close to home in my own life because my older brother, and I think he would agree with this and tell you this now.

But my older brother had such a fear of his boys, he had two boys, doing something unrighteous or wrong or giving into temptation when they were in junior high or high school, that instead of letting them make their own decisions and putting them out in the real world and equipping them with the truth of the gospel in hopes that they would overcome, rather than do that, he basically just locked them up.

Now, he didn't literally lock them up, but they were significantly restricted.

And as a result, they missed so much of life.

And what's interesting is, even though he taught them the Word of God, he did.

They were in church.

He shared his faith with his kids.

But they were so frustrated in the restrictions that as soon as they got of age, they left.

In fact, one of my older brother's son ran away from home at 17.

And my brother to this day doesn't know where he is and has no contact with him because of the anger and the frustration and the unwillingness of the parent to trust the child.

Now what's interesting, I am told that today's, what are today's parents most, what do they most fear?

And today's parents fear germophobia, stranger phobia, accident phobia.

Bullying phobia and obesity.

So according to the stats or the surveys, parents today are concerned about germs, probably because of COVID and other things, strangers because of abductions, accidents that happen, bullying because it's become so prevalent because there's no discipline at home, and obesity because of the eating habits of our children.

Now, what I find interesting is yesterday's parents, 30, 40 years ago, here's what they feared the most, that their children would not grow up to be responsible adults, that their children would not follow in their faith steps, that their children would grow up to be ignorant, or that their children would not be successful at their jobs, at their marriage, at their family, and ultimately life.

The point is, every generation has its phobias.

But you can't allow the phobias to restrict the movements of the child to such a degree that it creates in them frustration, exasperation, and the inability to live life.

I can tell you right now.

All these things that you're afraid of happened to me when I was growing up.

I was hit by a car.

I fell out of the car once.

I was bullied in sixth grade.

Now when I got to high school, as I explained on Mother's Day, you had four Vines boys, so bullying wasn't an option because we'd all come after you.

But in junior high, we were all separated because of age, and I was bullied in the sixth grade.

I know what that's like.

I was attacked by a stranger at a summer carnival.

And all these things, all these things happen because they are going to happen.

And in all these things, I trusted God because my parents had showed me that Jesus is always with you.

Go out, move out into your world.

I can't promise you nothing bad's going to happen, but you know, you've always got a home that is stable and we're going to trust you to make good decisions.

And that gave me a sense of freedom, but it also gave me a sense of responsibility that I really and deeply appreciated from my parents.

Strong foundations of securities are built when you can see that the mother and the father trust you as you get older to make decisions based on the foundation that they have established through the Word of God.

Number four, a child is exasperated when there's favoritism of one sibling over another.

Now, this is probably self-explanatory, but parents who compare their children with their siblings, especially in the children's presence, it will be absolutely devastating to the child.

The unfortunate thing is that most often the parent doesn't realize they're doing this.

I shared the story on Mother's Day of what my mother did with my younger brother Tony.

And I also shared how Tony was the most talented boy in the family and yet achieved the least.

So where he was an underachiever, although having the most talent, I, having probably the least talent of the Vines boys, was an overachiever.

But I was an overachiever because of the words of encouragement my parents spoke into my life.

consistently and constantly, where my brother Tony, the more talented one, underachieved because rather than being encouraged, he was always compared to his brothers.

It's an amazing story, really.

And we know through psychology that the favored siblings often repeat the offense.

I've often wondered, in this Old Testament story, if you know anything about it, Isaac favored Esau over Jacob, and it basically destroyed Jacob's life until he had a supernatural encounter with God, Jacob's ladder climbing up to heaven.

And yet when Jacob has children, he does the same thing that Isaac did with Esau.

Jacob favors Joseph, makes him this coat of many colors.

You can imagine how his brothers felt rejected that they would never measure up, and they're so angry they end up wanting to kill him.

And by the way, we're also told that mothers who adore Babies, because you know a baby's different than a two or three year old, have to be very careful of this because they have the first child and they nurture and love and pay attention to the child until the next baby comes along and then that child is shelved and now this baby gets all the attention and that baby grows up and then that one is shelved.

It's just temptation.

It's unfortunately the natural bent of humanity.

And it is possible, but as a mother especially, as a parent, you've got to pay very close attention.

that you don't favor one child over another.

Now quickly, only a couple more.

Number five, a child is exasperated when he is pushed to achieve beyond reasonable bounds.

Sometimes we can pressure our children to achieve to the point they are destroyed.

Most of the time it's because the parent is trying to live vicariously through the child.

So in other words, there's something that mother or father did not accomplish.

You come along as the child and they see in you the ability to accomplish it, so they push and pressure you because in a real way, their identity is based on whether or not you succeed.

I know a young girl that was very good at her sport, but she really did not enjoy the pressured competition.

She loved to play it, but she didn't enjoy the pressure.

She simply played it because her father wanted her to and in order to make him proud, and her father pushed her to the limits.

At one point, she finally came to the end of herself, and her way of dealing with it was simply to detach or estrange herself from her father, which is really sad because the pressure is too much.

A few years ago, at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, I remember watching Simone Biles.

Now, she's been described as one of the greatest athletes of all time.

Definitely a decorated Olympian.

But you know, if you remember the story, suddenly in 2020, she just disappeared.

I mean she was scheduled for events and suddenly she's not there and then we don't hear anything for a couple of years and we were told we were given this vague statement what happened to Simone Biles by the way she's back in the Olympics this year but the statement we were giving was that she was she was forced to step away for a while to deal with her mental health.

That is a very vague statement.

And the reason why I say that is because great athletes don't step away because of the pressure.

In fact, great athletes thrive on the pressure.

They feed off of it.

It takes them to another place that most of us can't go.

The reason great athletes usually step away is because they get to a point where they feel no matter what they accomplish, it'll never be good enough.

In my opinion, that's why Tiger Woods doesn't golf anymore.

Because the expectations are so high, even if he won, it would be so what?

It'll never be enough.

When you and I place unrealistic expectations on our children, when you try to live vicariously through them, when you want them to be the best student in the class, the best ballplayer on the field, the best swimmer in the pool, if you're not careful, you will destroy the joy of the child.

So you better make sure that as you're encouraging your child to be all they can be, which you should, you don't want to go the way that the world has gone in the last probably decade to where now we've removed any passion to achieve anything because everyone gets the same reward.

I do believe it's a mistake if you're not pushing to a degree your children to be all they can be.

And you do that by encouragement, by reward.

But you better make sure that you temper your instruction and the demands with grace and encouragement.

And your child should know that your love and value of them never changes.

Whether they fail or whether they succeed, they're always your son and daughter and you love them.

As a matter of fact, one of the reasons I'm belaboring this point is I think I made a significant mistake with my son in this area.

My son, when he was younger, great little golfer, had a smooth swing.

Anybody who knows my son knows he's laid back.

So that laid back, lackadaisical approach is perfect for the golf swing.

So I started taking him up to this place called Papookie Golf Club to get him lessons.

And there were about eight or nine other kids.

And I could tell by the way he swung the club, he was far better than any of the other kids.

But at the end of the lesson, every day they would have a little competition.

And for some reason in the competition, Delaney didn't measure up.

I thought he should win hands down, but it's like, I don't know, he just wouldn't hit the good shot at the right time.

And I'll guarantee he lost.

Some of the reason he lost his interest in golf is he probably saw the look on my face, which was the wrong look.

I look back at that now and I think, man, I'm embarrassed by my embarrassment.

I should have been encouraging and should have just let it go.

But I, in turn, was living somewhat vicariously through the life of my own son.

Be careful.

Be careful how far you push your children.

Don't rob them of their joy.

Don't exasperate and frustrate them.

Number six, a child is exasperated when they are constantly reminded of their failures.

that is consistent with number five.

I knew a young boy who told me once, he said, you know, when I was growing up, I thought my last name was Don't.

His first name was Danny.

He said, I thought my name was Don't because I was always hearing Danny Don't.

Danny Don't.

He was a child that was always being ridiculed by his parents, and it frustrated him.

And when you do that, the child loses confidence, and they lose hope, and they become underachievers.

And then finally, last one.

but I want to kind of take this one and bring this thing home.

Number seven, a child is exasperated when there is little to no public display of affection between mom and dad.

Now, the reason I've saved this for last, there's Harvard University sociologists Sheldon and Eleanor Gluck, which they've written a lot, very highly respected.

So, Minerth and Meyer of Minerth and Meyer Clinic have also written heaps of pages on the same topic.

Because they developed a test that proved incredibly accurate, over 90% accurate, to determine whether or not five and six-year-olds would become delinquent.

So they're saying, if you apply this test to the kind of atmosphere five and six-year-olds have by the parents, I can determine up to a 96% success rate, whether they will be successful, emotionally healthy, or whether they will become delinquent.

There were four primary factors that prevented delinquency.

Number one, a father's firm, fair, and constant discipline.

Consistent discipline.

Two, a mother's supervision and companionship during the day.

So mother was involved.

But the key, they said, was this third one.

The parents demonstrated affection for one another in the presence of the children.

Wow.

Wow.

The University of Michigan published an article called How Parents'Love Shapes Their Children's Lives.

And I quote, in this study, we found that parents'emotional connection to each other affects child rearing so much that it shapes the children's futures.

Here are some of the findings.

Children whose parents demonstrated their love for one another in the presence of the child.

Those children stayed in school longer, married later in life, and the marriages tended to thrive.

The divorce rate was rare.

The children gravitated toward the home throughout the rest of their lives.

The children were more confident in school and relationships.

They achieved greater academic success.

They were less likely to develop mental illness or illnesses such as depression and anxiety.

Wow.

Children viewed the opposite sex with respect, and these children are just more happy, more peaceful, and more stable.

Now, what are we saying in all of this?

Because this is the foundation of everything we'll talk about.

We're simply saying you can't exasperate your children by the way that you parent.

The positive is, instead of exasperating them.

bring them up in the discipline.

That is, you're going to have correction.

They're going to know that there are precepts in the home.

And if you violate those precepts through the systematic training, there's going to be correction.

And that correction is going to be consistent.

It will give them stability, faith, and trust, and equip them to move out into their world effectively, and especially to have effective relationships and to be emotionally healthy and instruction.

that is, you're getting the instruction of the Lord into their lives.

Now, we're going to spend a lot more time on that, but not in this one.

But part of the instruction is that you're...

you're opposing the secular worldview and everything that they will hear in the world with the teachings of scripture that are eternal.

So let's review quickly.

This is a different kind of sermon, but we need this.

Love is not mutually exclusive to discipline.

There must be clear instruction and deterrence.

Discipline must be consistent.

Parents must show love for one another in the presence of the children, and you're getting the word and the ways of God into your child's mind.

And that is the beginning.

If you will start with that foundation and that understanding, we are told that as you instruct, teach, and correct the child, you end up saving the child.

Now, I want you to think of one other thing before we finish with this because I I think that every truth that we learn in Scripture as I said in the marriage series ultimately points us back to the way God treats us and this is the perfect example think about the gospel what does God do he reveals his precepts to us through the Ten Commandments into the nation of Israel but God knows we're going to have a difficult time obeying, so he gives us the law with the idea that he is going to provide the requirements of the law to the person of Jesus Christ.

So he gives us the precepts.

There are ramifications, make no mistake, violating those precepts.

But then because he loves us, he adopts us into his family through the grace and mercy we receive on the cross.

And then after that, knowing that we are now once and for all in the family of God, we are told again and again that because God loves us, because God loves us, he disciplines us.

Hebrews 12, 5, My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline.

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as sons.

So, of course, a parent then should say to their children, do not make light your parents'discipline.

Do not lose heart when I have to rebuke you.

I only discipline you because I love you, and I chastise everyone who I accept as son and daughter, and that is you.

And the other side of that is there are going to be many of you who hear this message, and you think that somehow God has abandoned you in your life, and I'm trying to suggest to you that a lot of the things that happen in our lives, not all of them, because I can't be involved in every detail, but a lot of the negative things that happen in your life and mine are simply God's method of deterrence.

You lose a job.

He sees that you're not operating the way you need to be operating in your family because this job possesses you.

You lose it.

You blame God, but God is serving.

He's disciplining you.

He's deterring you from continuing down a path that will ultimately destroy you.

God assumes that you and I have a bent toward unrighteousness.

So because he loves us and because we're in his family and have our eternal security, when we start going down a road that's going to not fare well for us, God loves us enough to what?

Course correction, discipline.

I'm saying to you that many of you who think God has abandoned you, you've heard me say this before, has never been involved, more involved in your life than he is right now.

Pray, look at the deterrence, and ask God where he wants you to go.

He's trying to save you.

And as parents, that's exactly what we're trying to do with our children.

Being your child's friend only is a mistake.

They need...

God needs, God uses and calls you to be his proxy.

You are their authority, their teacher, their instruction, their correctional officer.

That's right.

And you will not exasperate them if you are consistent in these things.

Father, thank you for the power of your word and the reminder that it is so relevant in our everyday lives.

Father, I pray that as this goes out, I know it's going to be difficult for some to hear.

We don't like the word discipline.

What is left over from the Victorian age where fathers were not servant leaders, but were authoritarian, were tyrants, has caused the pendulum to swing far too far in the other direction.

So Father, I pray that our eyes would be open and we would know that the answer is not to throw discipline or correction out the window, but to do it in a way that does not exasperate the child and then in the way that saves him rather than destroys him.

And I pray for those who will hear this message that somehow they think because their lives have not turned out the way they should, that God, their loving Father, does not love them and has abandoned them, I pray.

that at least they would review the possibility that God ultimately is saving them and putting them on a road that will lead to life.

For there is one who comes to kill, steal, and destroy, and there's one who came to bring life and bring it more abundantly.

God is our ultimate Father, and He can always be trusted.

In His name we pray.

Amen.

I hope you were blessed with today's message.

And if there's one sentence or one paragraph that you can just linger on for the rest of the week and just ask God to reveal more and more to you from this message, will be so beneficial towards you.

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Hey, this weekend at all of our campuses, we're going through communion as a church, and I want to invite you to do so as well.

Go ahead and grab some bread, grab some juice, and if you don't have either of those, well then grab something that symbolizes communion and go ahead and just take it on your own and just spend time with Jesus, whether you're by yourself or with your family.

I want to encourage you to do so.

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And we hope you have a blessed day, a blessed week.

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One life in Christ.