Faith & Doubt
A Letter to God...
You’ve told me to trust You and I’ve been trying. When You told me to enlist in the U.S. Air Force and I doubted the truth of Your words, You told me Jeremiah 29:11. “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” So, I trusted You, God. I trusted Your word and joined the Air Force.
When I got to BMT (basic military training), I doubted You again. I was afraid that I would never make it. Afraid that I would not graduate. That I made a mistake. But then You told me I was there for a reason. You said that I would mount up with wings like an eagle – just like my squadron’s mascot. You told me the words of Isaiah 40:30-31. “Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” These words, this promise, helped me through BMT and renewed my trust in You once again. Then, I went to tech school at Sheppard Air Force Base.
Yet again I doubted whether I had made the right choice. But there You stood beside me and told me that You are my shepherd and I am Your sheep. You told me that You would shepherd and guide me both during and after my time at Sheppard. I visited a church off base and You spoke to me clear as day. You reminded me of Your words in Psalm 23 and specifically brought out verses 2-3. “He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” You told me to stay and rest there for a while; so I did. I rested and listened for Your word.
I heard nothing but silence screaming in my ears. Raging through my thoughts. Silence. So quiet that it became like a tumultuous storm or an angry sea.
Then I came here to England. The United Kingdom. I still did not hear from You and began to feel alone. I attended chapel every Sunday and listened for Your words – specifically for what You would say directly to me. In various ways, You spoke to me the words of Psalm 46. However, I did not quite hear You. Not until three months after arriving in England.
I doubted You again until just now when I realized what You were telling me. What You had been telling me all along. You brought me out into this part of the UK where it is mainly farmland and where not too far away sheep wander around grazing on green pastures. Here again, You tell me that You are my Shephard and I am Your sheep. You will lead and guide me in all my ways. You will give me strength like an eagle and be with me every step of the way. Moreover, You now speak to me the words of Psalm 46:10. “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”
“Be still,” You tell me, “I have been speaking to you all along. In the silence. In the solitude. I have been with you this whole time. Whispering My words of love and truth every moment. Be still. Listen for My voice.”
“Be still.” – “Listen for My voice.”
“And know.” – “Trust in Me. Know who I am.”
“I am God.” – “I am the Lord God almighty. There is no other. Listen and trust in Me. I am God. I know exactly what I’m doing.”
It took me these past months to realize and understand the words of Mordecai in the book of Esther. Esther 4:14b, “Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” You’ve told me all these words and promises of Yours. You have instilled them in my heart and mind, and then You brought me here. Now these last words echo in my mind. For such a time as this.