Posted in: Big Faith, Growth, Overcoming, Passion, Restoration, Know God, Grow Together, Young Adults
From Pain to Peace
If you would have told me when I was thirteen where I would be today I would have laughed, embarrassed at the slowness of my life. If, a few years ago, you would have told me where I would be today, I might have cried—overwhelmed by the thought that I was no longer consumed by the overpowering numbness I had felt for so long. I look back at who I was—who I wanted to be, a once shy girl searching for popularity in all the wrong places. I have lived my whole life in someone else’s shadow, a shadow I placed myself in, constantly comparing myself to others and never liking who I was. I blamed God for giving me this life and begged Him to take it all away. Day after day, I wept and prayed.
Like many young adults who went away to college, I did not make the healthiest decisions for myself in those four years. I had no idea who I was or what would make me happy, so selfishly I lived a life I thought would give me the most satisfaction and wildest stories. I got into some bad habits that thankfully, unlike a lot of people, I can leave in the past. There is so much I should regret, but I know without that journey of self inflicting pain, I would not be the woman I am today. My mistakes shaped me, taught me who I didn’t want to be and that has meant absolutely everything.
I always called myself a Christian, though you might not have agreed if you witnessed me in those few years. Growing up we attended a small church irregularly and I knew the basics—you know, the big stories: Jesus' birth, Adam and Eve, the parting of the seas and a few more in between. I prayed out of habit and obligation, none of it from my heart. And I would rather listen to silence than worship music. So yeah, not the best Christian.
Eventually every part of me was so tired of living this life, I knew I had to change—so I did, one step at a time. I started exercising more to get those endorphins up, I cut out people who were not adding value to my life, people I love deeply but knew at that moment I could no longer be around. I attended therapy, took medication and listened intently to my doctors. I made wiser decisions—the biggest one of all, I decided to stop trying to heal myself and let God do it. There were so many nights where desperation sung in my prayers, pillows were filled with tears and this never-ending pain I felt—I thought it would take over me. But the praying led to church, church led to a community and eventually the pain transformed into peace.
My life is extremely basic and routine, but that has kept my head afloat. The thirteen year old me would not approve: I am making a small amount of money at a job that is not entirely my passion, living with my parents in a cozy house they rent instead of a luxurious beach house I own, I am unmarried, childless and enjoy Chipotle way too much. But I am so full of Jesus. My decisions and actions are much wiser. I count my blessings instead of my burdens and when people come to me with their troubles I refer them to God. Although I know I will never stop growing in my faith, and I will never be perfect—I finally can accept and agree, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Once I started living for and with God instead of just myself, that ache melted away and I have never been happier.